first day in moz, 2013.

Today was my first day in Beira of my 2013 trip to Moz with Care for Life (my longest yet).

My flight was a wee bit grueling as it involved a really nice orthopedic surgeon from Pietermaritzburg who got into my seat space with his legs sometimes combined with a cold, but I'm here and overjoyed because of that fact.  Kevin and Solomon met me and Wendy (a nurse living in Salt Lake City and leading the baby weighing project this summer) at the airport and we packed up our things and headed home sweet home, as Eliana would say.

João, our beloved mostly US-based co-director of operations, has actually been living in country for the last year with his family, and his wife, Kelly, has done a remarkable job with home base.  If I was better and took pictures last year you would appreciate the pictures I'll post tomorrow a lot more.  As of now you just get one of my little space in the girl's bedroom - where I have polka dotted sheets (percurso), a sweater blanket so I feel all snuggly as a buggly at night, a dreamcatcher, my specially made Berd bear with US and Mozambique flags on his sweater, and my trusty mosquito net.

Since I left I've been thinking a lot about the blessing my dad gave me before I left.

In it he said that I would be blessed with an "even greater measure of love" for the people surrounding me than ever before.  I can already feel this in my heart and life.  As I have drawn closer to God this past year, I have also been able to draw closer to those around me as I love them more for who they are rather than what I want them to be.  I am grateful to believe in a Gospel that preaches love and acceptance, even when those who prescribe to this Gospel have difficulties living up to its teachings (myself included).

It is in the "small and simple things" that we do for one another that "great things are brought to pass" (Alma 37:6).  While to many going to Mozambique and partnering with the people and communities here to bring about change may seem like a big thing, it's honestly the little things that I do while here that make a world of difference.  Loving others makes everything right again, even if it's only for one relationship or one moment between those who the world tells are different in bad, unequal ways.  I am trying to better follow the counsel given by Elder M. Russell Ballard, when he said,

"I believe there is one simple but profound - even sublime - principle that encompasses the entirety of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  If we wholeheartedly embrace this principle and make it the focus of our lives, it will purify and sanctify us so we can live once again in the presence of God...The love the Savior described is an active love.  It is not manifested through large and heroic deeds but rather through simple acts of kindness and service."

This means listening more than advising, trusting more than questioning, giving more than taking, and loving more than judging.  It's really hard, but I think this summer will help me be better at this every day.

"Help Them Aim High"

"Help Them Aim High," President Henry B. Eyring, October 2012 General Conference

I highly recommend reading this talk.  President Eyring is an inspiring man whose love for his family, his children, and his brothers and sisters in this world is evident.

Read it.

My favorite part?  Below.

source

"Choose Eternal Life"

Notes on "Choose Eternal Life" by Elder Randall K Bennett of the Seventy, October 2011 General Conference

In his talk, Elder Bennett says, "Ignoring the warnings and feeling confident in my own judgment, I entered the water to enjoy a 'refreshing' swim.  After a few minutes I looked up to locate my family on the nearby beach, but the beach was no longer nearby!"  This reminds me of times in my life where I decided to ignore the warnings that my heart, my gut, and my family members were given me.  I would like to say warnings the Spirit was giving me, but I had probably ignored His divine  guidance so many times that He was not giving me those warnings as often as He would have otherwise.  I wasn't devoid of His Spirit, but I was stubborn and wanting to feel and do things I wanted to do, things that the world told me was 'refreshing' and good for myself.  Things that the Adversary told me made me worth more and more valuable to myself and to those around me.  I decided to listen to him instead of the warnings I received and it got to the point where I was doing things that didn't align with what I was compelled to do, in my heart, and drew me further and further away from that figurative beach and my family, where I really wanted to be.  It's a hard place to be in, when you feel like you've gone so far out and you didn't even mean to.  In my case there weren't any warning signs when I first stepped up to the ocean, the tide came in sneakily and whipped me under when it really was mild at first.  This is the hardest kind of mess to get out of.  But, like Elder Bennett, I realized there was someone to get me out. With much pleading to my Savior, a lot of humbling myself to my Father in prayer, and understanding His love for me was greater than the deprecation I overcame this time in my life that was so incredibly dark and where I was so deeply desperate.

One of my favorite parts of his talk is where he says, "You do have a divine nature and destiny.  During your premortal life you learned to love truth."  The way that the Plan of Happiness has traditionally been drawn has not been one that really connects me to the eternal nature of our souls.  Instead it makes me feel like the majority of who I am is developed here on Earth, when really it's the contrary.  I was before I came here.  I learned and grew and chose and developed.  Here I am, on this Earth, doing really, really important things and making eternally-bound choices, but I learned to love the truth in the premortal life, which means I can learn to love it here.  I can feel when something is true.  The best way I can describe this feeling is that my heart sings.  It leaps inside me and lets me know that I am learning something of eternal value instead of current worth.  I love truth here because I learned to love it there, with my Heavenly Father and my heavenly family first.

Finally, I love the checklist he gives, partly because I love checklists, but mostly because I think it's important for me, especially since I don't live with my parents, to conduct monthly self-interviews to see where I stand with myself and the Lord.  He counsels us to ask ourselves:

1. Am I seeking divine direction through daily scripture study, pondering, and prayer, or have I chosen to be so busy or apathetic that I don't take time to study the words of Christ, ponder them, and converse with my Heavenly Father?
2. Am I choosing to follow the counsel of the living prophets of God, or am I following the worldly ways and the opposing opinions of others?
3. Am I seeking the guidance of the Holy Ghost daily in what I choose to think about, feel, and do?
4. Am I consistently reaching out to assist, serve, or help rescue others?

why i'm a believer (and not a cynic).

Last week I posted a link to this blog on my Facebook.  It elicited a generally positive response from my friends who saw it on my page and who I shared it with otherwise.

Except from (currently) two individuals.

Before you go on, I recommend you read that article, but if you don't want to/choose not to - here's a breakdown.

First, watch the Dove campaign video:

Now, I want to point out the positives - Dove is obviously trying to send a message that our self-perceptions are incredibly distorted, and they are particularly focusing on women's self-images.  Their overall message is probably being sent to women to love who they are, to understand that others see them as beautiful, and that they want women to break away from the mold of beauty that the dominant US culture sets for us.  I want to make myself clear that I accept that Dove had good, positive, and warm and fuzzy intentions when making this video for this campaign.

Intentions are not enough, though, when the end goal is so evidently not met by the methods used to reach it.  Taken from Dove's website, their vision is:

Dove^® is committed to building positive self-esteem and inspiring all women and girls to reach their 
full potential—but we need your help. 

We're building a movement in which women everywhere have the tools to take action and inspire 
each other and the girls in their lives. It could be as simple as sending a word of encouragement 
to a girl in your life or supporting self-esteem education in your town. 

From mentoring the next generation to celebrating real beauty in ourselves and others, we can open 
a world of possibilities for women and girls everywhere.

They want to create positive change by engendering good feelings within women about their bodies and the bodies of women around them.  I admit this is a well-intentioned goal.

What this video did, however, was to perpetuate the myths of beauty they claim to be fighting against.  The article I linked to did a fantastic job of breaking this down - from the underrepresentation of women of color (10 seconds of a 6:36 short), to round faces, wrinkles, aging, and broad jawlines (among other features) being painted as characteristics non-indicative of beauty.  It also reinforced the idea that beauty, in the eyes of others, equals value.  Value to yourself, value to the world, value to your family.

In fact something this author points out, and I will also, is the quote near the end of the short which says, "I should be more grateful of my natural beauty.  It impacts the choices and the friends we make, the jobs we go out for, the way we treat our children, it impacts everything.  It couldn't be more critical to your happiness."  So how I view my physical self impacts every aspect of my life and is critical to my happiness?  Okay...let me dissect that a bit.

I will admit that how I viewed myself, physically, for a long time was based on what society told me was beautiful and what society deemed important.  I didn't fit the characteristics of a beautiful woman, in my mind, for an incredibly long time.  My hips were too wide, my butt too protruding, my thighs too thick, my legs too short, my arms too big, my lips too small, my skin too flawed, my ankles not slender enough.  Seriously.  These were the things that I thought of when I looked in the mirror.  I'm not going to pretend they don't creep in sometimes, still, especially when I have to wear less clothes because the situation calls for it (i.e. bathing suit time).

What I have come to understand, however, is that I am beautiful because I am a woman who spends her time, talents, and love on those things her heart compels her to.  I am beautiful because I, imperfectly, aim to mark my life by devotion to my God and a Gospel I wholeheartedly believe in and from which I try to shape my life, my worldview, and how I treat others.  I am beautiful because I was created in the image of the Divine.  All those around me are beautiful because they were also.  Beauty should be dependent only on the basis of our shared humanity.  Being a human should automatically merit all of us the status of beautiful.

Do I find some people more attractive than others? Yes.  Do I know why? Probably because I'm part of this world and have been programmed to privilege certain appearances over others by the society under which I live.  Do I like this about myself? No. Am I working to change it? Yes.  But my happiness is not based on my physical self-image or distortion.  I know I still see myself differently than those around me do, but my happiness is based off my ability to live in accordance to the values I believe in.  Dove is right, we are more beautiful than we know, they just didn't engage this subject in a way that really disassembled the barriers they set out to break down.

To address an entirely different issue...my critiques of the images and media I see on a daily basis today, and in the past, has resulted in many people telling me or women like me that I'm just looking at things to be upset about and that I'm a cynic.

Let me be clear.  I don't want to see images like this in the media.  I wish I didn't have media to critique.  I wish I wasn't upset about how women, people of color, and people in the Global South and the Fourth World are portrayed (or entirely left out of the conversation).  I wish this video was breaking down the hierarchies of beauty it aimed to break down.

But when good intentions are playing into a system that oppresses billions I do get upset, and I do feel it completely necessary to call out the organizations or people that are playing into it and reinforcing stereotypes and hierarchies of power and privilege.  I do find it necessary to speak out for what I know to be true and what I know to be good and right and what I know to be the real spark of good in humanity.  I am not just upset, I am trying to move for change through the words that I speak and the words of others I support through my social media-ing.

Cynic, as defined by the Oxford English Dictionary, is "One who shows a disposition to disbelieve in the sincerity or goodness of human motives and actions, and is wont to express this by sneers and sarcasms; a sneering fault finder."  I will one hundred percent admit that I love me some sarcasm and snark, but I certainly to not disbelieve in the sincerity or goodness of human motives and actions, and neither does the woman who wrote the original post based on what I gather from the rest of her Tumblr page.  Humanity inspires me on a daily basis.  I honestly feel that most people are sincere and do have good intentions that precipitate their actions.  I also think that we (myself included) need to be more reflexive before we act and before we defend things that are hurting others.  We all have privileges in different contexts and different communities, and we need to think before we do something, share something, or act in a certain way because it makes us feel good.  What is one man or woman's medicine is another's poison.  I also know that the nuances of racism, classism, sexism, and heterosexism are part of a very real adversary's plan to break down our relationships with one another into categories less important than the one of real magnitude - that we are brothers and sisters, children of God.  He disguises things as good that are actually bad, he works in quiet, manipulative ways to make us view things as positive that actually tear us down, and he places importance and priority on ideas and activities that are not worth our time.

Above all, I am a believer.  A believer in the power of good.  A believer in our connections to one another and the strength that results from them.  A believer in happiness and joy in life.  A believer in the importance of suffering in life and that it brings us closer to one another and closer to God.  A believer in the kindness of most people.  A believer in good intentions.  A believer in becoming better each day by acknowledging when we mess up, even if we didn't mean to.  A believer in our heart's ability to grow more than we ever thought it could.  A believer in inner strength that is emboldened through the love of Christ.  A believer in the power the Gospel has to create peace in our lives, our communities, and on Earth.  A believer that when I feel the love of God in my life that I am able to do all things.  A believer in repentance.  A believer in humans being made in the image of the Divine and our potential to grow because of this.  A believer in an inner light that we all have.  A believer in beauty.

not quite two months.

I know, I know my nine faithful readers it has been almost two months since I last posted...and that last post was not entirely encouraging (my apologies).  Nothing in that realm has changed as I am, indeed, still fluffing it up, but life has been just grand with some smidgens of stress and anxiety thrown in there for good measure.

Some major life changes have occurred in the past fifty-two days.

A life change like...I got a puppy.

The most adorable puppy in the world, whose name is June Carter.  She likes romping in our flowers weeds, chewing up shoes, eating all her food while laying down, and snuggling.  I love her so much, and her and Raife, my roommate's dog, are besties.











Another life change was that this happened...as

in...I'm getting a PhD in four years kind of life change.  It's really weird to think that what I've been working towards my whole life is coming to fruition.  I'll be starting the PhD in Justice Studies and Social Inquiry program at ASU in August.  I'll be fully funded, studying what I want to study, and learning from some brilliant minds (I'm most excited about H.L.T. Quan and Alan Gomez).

In between all these life changes, I did some pretty cool stuff, like make coq au vin for the first time....which was amazing.  As one of my friends who came over for that deliciousness said, "mmmmm....heaven? yes, if not, close enough."  It seriously was incredible, though.  I highly recommend. HIGHLY.  Your taste buds will sing triumphal praises for letting them bathe in the gravy.

To the right is a display of the week in a life of two single ladies during Valentine's week.  Gilmore Girls, BOGO Pei Wei, and, for roomie, a glass of wine (not pictured).  The creepy one-eyed paper mache sculpture you see in the back is a permanent fixture in our living room, not just a stand-in man for our empty hearts during this commercialized week of love, don't you worry.

We ended Valentine's week with a lady date on the actual day to the most epically delicious Barrio Cafe.  The chef was nominated as best chef in the Southwest for the James Beard Foundation, and the food most certainly delivered these results.    We had guacamole for our appetizer, but it wasn't just any guacamole.  It had pomegranate seeds in it, which sounds weird, but really is just the perfect amount of acid, crunch, and bitter to offset the creamy fatiness of the avocado and really make all the flavors sing on the palette.  When a couple near us initially said "no" to the pomegranate seeds we gave them suspicious looks and equally suspicious eyebrow raises and they decided to get them.  Wise choice, wise choice indeed.  For mains we had this seafood spectacular-ness which was amazing and cochinita pibil.  For dessert (pictured left) we had churros with ice cream and...wait for it....wait for it...goat milk's caramel.  I can now die happily knowing I've tasted this caramel.  It is that good.

After a week of the world screaming at me that I'm not worth much if I don't have a man attached to me I decided to visit one of my favorite people in the world in Las Vegas, Nevada, the place he now calls home.  We talked like we had kept in great touch since we met in Mozambique, hiked red rock (pictured right), contemplated the importance of life, ate yummy food, partied, and just hung out.  All in three days.  It was just what I needed, and I am just so excited for the adventures coming up in his life because he is just so amazing.

I finally made it to a Spring Training game with roomie Kim, our friend Ben, and who became our new best friend, Sean (not pictured, because we had no idea how great of friends we would become until after this was taken).  The game was great, albeit really hot...our sheet had sweat on it from us. Ew.  And I came out with a pretty fantastically obvious tan line from wearing this dress.  Sean, who has quickly become one of my greatest friends in Phoenix is just wonderful and unfortunately (this word does not come close to describing the sadness I feel in relation to what I'm about to say) he's moving back to Chicago in just a week and a half. Ugh.

I also finally went to Sedona during Spring Break with one of my other best friends here in the valley (the one I'm fluffing for, actually).  We had a grand time, I reflected a lot on God's love whilst looking at His magnificent creations, and ate the most wonderful meal at HQ cafe right on the main strip.  It was far too short a trip, but I know I'll be back soon.

I then made my way out to California for my good friend from high school's wedding, where he tied the knot to a truly, and equally incredible as him, woman.  We ate, we sat in the sun, we partied, we laughed, we took pictures of communist corner reunited.  It was beautiful, and far too short a trip for my liking.








Opening night at the Diamondbacks was also attended, again with new best friend.  Such a fun night, all the way up in row 36....the air was thinner up there.  And came complete with awkward human beings wearing Cardinals jerseys who respond to "Are you from St. Louis?" with "No" five minutes later void of explanation.

I also went to the Holi Hai festival nearby, threw some colored powder on complete strangers, and enjoyed frozen yogurt afterward.  This is what resulted.

Life is grand, friends. Just grand.

Hugs until I post much sooner....and probably when I'm in Mozambique. :)

i'm fluffing.

And while I'm getting used to it as much as I can since my discovery I was one was about one hour ago, I'd really prefer having someone for realsies and be a fluffer at the same time.

Also...feeling kinda like this.

You're welcome for brightening your day with clips from two of the best tv shows ever, though. :)

let's linger.

The Rain-soaked Bell
Liu Yong

A cold cicada, sad and desolate,
Faces the long pavilion at twilight,
The showers having recently ceased.
Outside the city gate, drinking in the tent continues
     without end.
I am about to linger awhile,
When the magnolia boat urges me to start my journey.
Holding hands, we look into each other's tearful eyes -
Without words, throats choked -
As I think of my voyage through a thousand miles
     of mists and waves.
Where the evening clouds are somber and the distant skies vast.
Lovers have suffered since ancient times the
     sorrows of parting.
How can I bear further my solitude in
     this clear autumn season?
Where shall I be when I wake up from my drink tonight? -
Willow banks, the breeze at dawn, and the waning moon.
During this long year of separation,
All fine moments and lovely scenes will appear to me in vain.
Even if there are a thousand varieties of tender emotion,
To whom could I impart them now?