Sunday, April 20, 2014

finding the Son.




This Easter I've been thinking a lot.  Mostly about the power I feel from believing in the resurrected Christ, in my Savior who walked the Earth again, in the love and mercy that He personified by coming back to us after living how He did.

It is through these reflections that I have come to ponder on the power of His return, and the peace it brought to this Earth.  It changed everything.  And what I think it has meant for me, in particular this Easter, is to recognize how it has changed everything for me.

In church today a brother quoted a poem whose author wrote, "The one who rose was I."  This is how the resurrection has changed everything for me.  Through Christ's resurrection, I too rise, we too rise.  Not only my body after death, but my spirit in this life above that which could bog me down.  Christ's resurrection is the wing upon which my soul takes flight.  It makes possible for me a different world, one where we do not focus on judging others and scorning them, but on loving them and embracing them.  While, like Mary at His empty tomb, I have wept at what seemed like the separation of myself from my Savior, at his apparent departure, I know that in reality He has always been there waiting on me and helping me find sanctification in times of deep sadness and loneliness.  He is the constant presence in my life, and while I have not seen, I believe.  I know He is there, I know that He rose, and I pray that, like Mary, I would know Him with just one spoken word.  He is my Lord, and I have felt His comfort and grace when I have asked and often when I haven't.  There is little I know for myself in this world, but I do know of His constancy in my life.  He will never leave me, and His resurrection teaches me that I can find peace and empowerment in this.  Because of Him, I am.

I hope that all of you have a beautiful Sabbath day, and that, even if you do not believe in His divinity, you can learn of the possibilities of new beginnings, of rising above oneself and the world, and of happiness that comes through choosing a higher way of living from Jesus' life.

"With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26)


Sunday, March 23, 2014

three little trees.


There was a small tree and a small tree and a really, really, really tiny tree.

The really, really, tiny tree decided to go to his grandmother's house like in Little Red Riding Hood and he took his grandmother's gingerbread cookies.

That's the end.

By Eliana

Painting by Rosemary Cotnoir

Sunday, March 16, 2014

unfolding.


Sometimes
when I see myself

I don't see Me.

I see a
       crumpled
       mangled
       tattered
       withered
       empty
              me.

A me who
gave too much and
asked too little or
asked too much and
didn't give enough.

But

whenever I see this me
I know I can
       uncrumple
       heal
       sew up
       straighten
       mend

my skin and mind and soul and
heart
and fill back up
and be Me again

If

I choose to drink up
the love of my Jesus.

For it is only
He who knows
how to unfold me into something
          Beautiful again.




       


Friday, February 21, 2014

remembrances.


Remembering is a funny thing.

This semester in school I am actually studying this fancy pants thing called "affect theory," which really just means studying emotions and how our bodies feel and handle them, subjectively.  Part of studying affect is studying memories - how we form them, how we feel them, and how they represent more of who we are now rather than who we were then.

There are certain affects, or emotions and feelings, linked to certain memories and memorials.  So I suppose what I would really like is for people to remember me with positive affects attached to my presence in their life.  My final post (I know) in my 30 things about me series is on the ten things I would hope to be remembered for, thus my musings on memories.

- I want to be remembered for being kind.  For smiling at strangers, for saying my please-s and thank you-s.  For hugging people often and for consoling them when needed.  For doing hard things in the kindest way possible.  For holding hands and stopping to pay attention long enough to do the kind thing.

- I want to be remembered for loving others.  For giving my heart to them.  For making myself vulnerable enough to love strangers and romantic partners and friends and professors and students and family and God and Jesus.  For looking past appearances to see hearts.  For holding hearts gently and understanding its not my job to mold them, but accept them as they come when I get them and hope my love will do something good.

- I want to be remembered for listening. For doing hard things because I felt I should.  For not talking too much.  For waiting before speaking.  For waiting before making judgments.  For being patient in this task.  For not behaving like my experience is everyone else's too.  For making sure I am not speaking for others.  For being quiet and just pondering and soaking in the words and wisdom and lives of the people I share this planet with.

- I want to be remembered for sharing.  For using what I have learned to help others.  For living under my means so I can give to others abundantly.  For sharing my heart and my soul and my life with the world and the people and the God who created it for all of us.

- I want to be remembered for mothering.  For holding a baby in my arms and loving that baby with my whole being.  For guiding and steering in a way that holds the child and myself accountable to each other, our world, and our God.  For choosing my children above myself and showing them how life is not black and white, but that it is beautiful.  For teaching my children and my nieces and nephews what joy comes from following Christ.  For living in a way that embodies the sacrifice and beauty of the Mother I know watches over me.

- I want to be remembered for rejoicing.  For smiling because life is grand.  For choosing to be happy.  For skipping and frolicking and being mindful and present.  For smelling the ponderosas and taking time to exclaim all the glee I feel in my heart.  For singing through the day because it just seems right.

- I want to be remembered for learning.  For constantly taking in the knowledge of the world.  For understanding that there is wisdom in all God's creations, including and especially His children.  For reading voraciously.  For going to the library until my last week on Earth.  For being surrounded by good books.  For talking to people and writing down what they say.  For having my scriptures open often.

- I want to be remembered for feeding.  For making delicious food that people love eating.  For creating a space where people come together and create sustenance.  For beautiful dinners and simple ones too.  For having my family around a table and talking and learning and feeling happy together each night.

- I want to be remembered for partnership.  For being my husband's partner.  For learning from him, walking with him, and doing our best because we are together instead of apart.  For giving of myself to him more than I've given to anyone before.  For being connected to God together.  For modeling our marriage on Christ's to His Church.

- I want to be remembered for believing.  For believing in people's capacity to be good.  For believing that people are more often wonderful than not.  For believing in myself.  For believing in others.  For believing that everything will be made right in the end.  For believing my doubts will be answered with truths.  For believing in, most of all, my God, my Savior, and the power and peace of the Gospel.

So there you have it, everyone.  This list is more of a list of goals than anything I think I actually do right now and could be remembered by.  One day, like my friend Caitlyn said on a camping trip a couple weekends ago, I want to be a wise old woman who looks up at the sky and just knows the goodness that comes from clouds and rain instead of the sorrows.


Tuesday, February 18, 2014

intentions and desires.

"And it mattereth not to me that I am particular to give a full account of all the things of my father, for they cannot be written upon these plates, for I desire the room that I may write the things of God.

For the fulness of mine intent is that I may persuade men to come unto the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, and be saved."

1 Nephi 6:3-4


I feel such a kinship to Nephi often, and I do not pretend to be as mighty as he, but I do hope that when all is said and done in my life that someone will say what I wrote helped them draw closer to the God and the Christ I so love.


Thursday, January 23, 2014

you may say i'm a dreamer.


I imagine a world where
people
are people first
and citizens second where
love
abounds and lights up our
lives and our hearts with its
beauty
where children run
freely
through streets in haphazard magnificence
where tears stream
down our faces because we're
happy
and where sadness comes at mourning loss
that came right when it should
and certainly no earlier where
women
walk wherever they wish
without fear where
I
can be me and
you
can be you and no one is mad
because we're being
us


Saturday, January 18, 2014

imperfect.


My body is not perfect
but the scars on it tell me that
I have lived
a life
full
of adventures and pains and pressures and sadnesses.
And the lines show me
the ups and the higher ups
the greatest joys that caused
my heart to
leap
right up into my eyes
and gleamed to the rest of the world
that I am me
and I am beautiful.
And even that you cannot see
I see.
On my heart there are
bruises and cuts and stitches and tears unhealed;
open wounds that are only soothed
by Him
who made it and molds me.
This heart
it screams
that I have known
pleasures and despairs
and wounds that have long left
my imperfect body
remain there in my soul
and teach me who to be next
and who I was then.
And these scars tell me that
I have lived
a life
full.