Remembering is a funny thing.
This semester in school I am actually studying this fancy pants thing called "affect theory," which really just means studying emotions and how our bodies feel and handle them, subjectively. Part of studying affect is studying memories - how we form them, how we feel them, and how they represent more of who we are now rather than who we were then.
There are certain affects, or emotions and feelings, linked to certain memories and memorials. So I suppose what I would really like is for people to remember me with positive affects attached to my presence in their life. My final post (I know) in my 30 things about me series is on the ten things I would hope to be remembered for, thus my musings on memories.
- I want to be remembered for being kind. For smiling at strangers, for saying my please-s and thank you-s. For hugging people often and for consoling them when needed. For doing hard things in the kindest way possible. For holding hands and stopping to pay attention long enough to do the kind thing.
- I want to be remembered for loving others. For giving my heart to them. For making myself vulnerable enough to love strangers and romantic partners and friends and professors and students and family and God and Jesus. For looking past appearances to see hearts. For holding hearts gently and understanding its not my job to mold them, but accept them as they come when I get them and hope my love will do something good.
- I want to be remembered for listening. For doing hard things because I felt I should. For not talking too much. For waiting before speaking. For waiting before making judgments. For being patient in this task. For not behaving like my experience is everyone else's too. For making sure I am not speaking for others. For being quiet and just pondering and soaking in the words and wisdom and lives of the people I share this planet with.
- I want to be remembered for sharing. For using what I have learned to help others. For living under my means so I can give to others abundantly. For sharing my heart and my soul and my life with the world and the people and the God who created it for all of us.
- I want to be remembered for mothering. For holding a baby in my arms and loving that baby with my whole being. For guiding and steering in a way that holds the child and myself accountable to each other, our world, and our God. For choosing my children above myself and showing them how life is not black and white, but that it is beautiful. For teaching my children and my nieces and nephews what joy comes from following Christ. For living in a way that embodies the sacrifice and beauty of the Mother I know watches over me.
- I want to be remembered for rejoicing. For smiling because life is grand. For choosing to be happy. For skipping and frolicking and being mindful and present. For smelling the ponderosas and taking time to exclaim all the glee I feel in my heart. For singing through the day because it just seems right.
- I want to be remembered for learning. For constantly taking in the knowledge of the world. For understanding that there is wisdom in all God's creations, including and especially His children. For reading voraciously. For going to the library until my last week on Earth. For being surrounded by good books. For talking to people and writing down what they say. For having my scriptures open often.
- I want to be remembered for feeding. For making delicious food that people love eating. For creating a space where people come together and create sustenance. For beautiful dinners and simple ones too. For having my family around a table and talking and learning and feeling happy together each night.
- I want to be remembered for partnership. For being my husband's partner. For learning from him, walking with him, and doing our best because we are together instead of apart. For giving of myself to him more than I've given to anyone before. For being connected to God together. For modeling our marriage on Christ's to His Church.
- I want to be remembered for believing. For believing in people's capacity to be good. For believing that people are more often wonderful than not. For believing in myself. For believing in others. For believing that everything will be made right in the end. For believing my doubts will be answered with truths. For believing in, most of all, my God, my Savior, and the power and peace of the Gospel.
So there you have it, everyone. This list is more of a list of goals than anything I think I actually do right now and could be remembered by. One day, like my friend Caitlyn said on a camping trip a couple weekends ago, I want to be a wise old woman who looks up at the sky and just knows the goodness that comes from clouds and rain instead of the sorrows.